Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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