i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
