I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
