Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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