I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
