is your mom at the bar?
I didn't shave. On purpose
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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