Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You're like the curious george of whores
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
