oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
