But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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