Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
