Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
