Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
