Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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