i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My penis needs a shock collar
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
