I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It's never too late to be topless.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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