I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
