I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
