If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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