I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
