I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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