A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
