DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
