i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
