Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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