He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Randomize
