i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
