Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
