Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
