My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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