so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
