if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
