the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
