That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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