We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
