I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
