I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
