our cab driver is having phone sex.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
