I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
