I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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