You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
