I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
