great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
