dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
All I want is dick and wine.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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