I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
