My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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