You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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