we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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