Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
