YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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