11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
