If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
That accounts for only three of the penises
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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