His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
