and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
