I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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