Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
