You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
