It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
