pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
