its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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